Monday, December 20, 2010

engaged already!

i know i hardly write here these days. the daily-journaling sort of me took a bit of a hiatus when grad school start, and i think that's spilled over into my blogging.

anyways, people have been quite vocal on facebook the last two days due to some news j and i let slip on there, so i wanted to post a couple photos here, in this more private space. in their vocalizations, a few people let me know that it was a quite a surprise to them, that they "missed the pre-engagement" part completely! well, i chalk that up to them not being someone whose ear i can talk off because i've been talking a lot about the mister, and to the pre-mentioned fact that my writing frequency has waned as well as my long-distance friendship pursuing ability. so perhaps, after today, i will get to telling our story. i've been describing it as a whirlwind romance because it has been quick... but lovely nonetheless.

so my mister proposed to me on saturday afternoon! it's very exciting and i have been giggling quite a bit as i replay those moments in my mind.  i had been aware of his search for a ring, so it wasn't a complete shock.  but i did not imagine he had already ordered it (off of etsy.com of course!) and that it arrived on thursday to the p.o. j didn't waste any time. he asked my parents for permission to marry me the next night, as we happened to be staying with them for a quick night, and he told my sister sarah and her husband with them that the planned to propose to me the very next day. and he did...

he tricked me that morning into a photo shoot at a friend's house after brunch. i whined and complained because i felt embarrassed and am not eager to do such things (especially when i feel all akimbo without showering, etc.). but he knew we'd be glad for a photo of us on the day of our engagement, so he stuck to his guns. here's the best shot:

and then we did some almost-last-minute christmas shopping (even slightly ruining our day by a trip to cabela's. ha!) and headed back towards minneapolis.  i asked him where to next, due to our necessary pursuit of more gifts, and he said his house for a bit. i wasn't sure why but he said he needed a break and was "stressed," the reason for which wasn't exactly apparent to me.

oddly, when we got to his apartment he was very eager to play a song for me. he had mentioned that he had written me a song a couple days before, or was working on one, and had showed some determination to sing/play it for me. so he whipped out his guitar and was ready. but i wasn't! i took my sweet ol' time reading a cookbook he had laying on his coffee table. i even told him to wait until i was done so i wouldn't be distracted by my search for a specific recipe. anyways, he was patient, and i soon became ready.

j played guitar and sang me the most beautiful and meaningful song... it was all about us, about our future, about going anywhere and everywhere together, and by the end (still without a clue) i was shedding a few tears. i loved it! so he came over the couch and was hugging me, and i was happy with just that, the gift of an amazing song from the man i love... but then i noticed he was reaching into his front shirt pocket and wait, what?, he's sort of shaky... what's he nervous about? and as i was realizing that there was something going on he was on his way to his knee (wedged between me on the couch and the coffee table). and j tells me that i gasped and said, "is this happening?! no!" and before i knew it, he was looking up at me and asking me to marry him. i was so unbelievable, such unexpected timing! and so so so great, of course! we laughed, and i did a few jumps, and just hugged his neck tight and long... and talked for a bit, prayed together, and then started the phone calls.

that evening he took me to a new nepali/tibetan/indian cuisine restaurant we had heard of from a friend in northeast minneapolis.  we told the waitress that we were celebrating our engagement, and j spoke a few (well-pronounced) nepali words which sparked a fun conversation in nepali between me and the owner. it was a perfect and quite appropriate way to celebrate.

the next morning i took j for breakfast to the place we had our first date (on may 8th, 2010) to celebrate a little more before beginning a day of church, a photo shoot job for j, more church, and wedding planning mixed in. we're thinking of getting married in just over five months so hopefully we have already made some lists and begun the hunt for a venue. we are so very happy... and this man is truly a gift from God to me.

here's a couple shots of me and the ring the day after the engagement:

Thursday, October 21, 2010

oh life





if you've been around me the last few years, you've heard me often sigh deeply and say, "aiya bahhh..." i think it's become my mantra, a modified version of something nepali, to mean "oh, life..."  it's not necessarily negative or exasperated, but it's definitely an awareness that life can sometimes evoke feelings beyond words, or at least in the moment that life overcomes me.  it happens anywhere, at work, at home, out with friends... it happens when my brain leaves one moment and moves to the next. when i have lots to do, or many things to ponder, or feel like i'm juggling twenty-seven balls at once. it happens when i'm happy, too, with all that i have been given. and the sighing and "aiya bah"s are somehow helpful. a release.

today i'm avoiding the office. i have the freedom to do that. being there, getting work done, in the room i share with two co-workers can sometimes make my job, which is already highly stressful, more so.  it can sometimes help, though, too, because my co-workers give me lots of much-needed advice and lately, too, pep talks. but staying at home when i have three appointments back to back this afternoon feels like a good self-care thing. i'm thinking of what's to come in this day, longing for the week to end, honestly, and hoping all goes well. it's been a couple weeks of lots of hard work with my adolescents and their families. lots of heart-breaking stuff that has challenged me in ways i couldn't have prepared much more for. i'm a therapist but have felt a lot like a child protection worker or a case manager these days. having really hard conversations with parents, helping kids find safe shelter, and making call after call for fifty seven things that need to be figured out. the therapist in me both loves and hates that i get to be so holistically involved in my clients' lives. it's great to have such freedom to advocate for them and step in when crises happen. but it would definitely be much easier to have a clear boundary, keeping me from wearing several hats. stress has been pumping through my body, keeping me moving quickly and thinking fast (or not thinking well at all). and i think the crises of the week are mostly tied up but the solutions are temporary and the future holds more work to be done. these teens deserve it, and i'm glad that i get to walk with them through the shit of life, but some days i wouldn't mind hiding.  it's sobering that i technically could hide, while they can't. i've got lots to be grateful for.

i scrubbed our tub this morning. it's been needing it. and i did it for my roommate who takes regular baths. and to accomplish something physical, to see results. sometimes i need that.   my hands hurt, and i like it. 

now to the work i get paid to do.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

reminder of a year spent: morocco in the spring 2009

development near the livesay abode in casablanca
looking to the water from the rooftop with kirk
down by the water in the evening, spying on the fisherman
midday visit


much has happened in the last year plus. and i'm thankful for where i am now, while itching to go. somewhere. soon. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

on my mind

lately i've not been able to get this over the rhine song out of my head:



I Want You To Be My Love
(Bergquist/Detweiler)
I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love
I want you to know me now
I want you to know me now
Break a promise make a vow
I know you want me now
Like I want you
I want you to be my love
I want you to be my love
'Neath the moon and the stars above
I want you to be my love
'Cause I want you
I know all you--
All you've been through
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i know, it's a bit lovey-dovey. (the word of the day accompanies this post of the song of my month: lovey-dovey.) but what am i to do? i share it perhaps as a way of getting it out of my system. purging it. did it work?

it's really because of him, that i'm silently singing such a sappy (love)song:
ha ha. no face to show yet.  i mean, he has one, one quite pleasing to be sure, but that sort of open declaration of the man is not yet for this space.

Friday, July 16, 2010

heat and pressure.

summer life has been strange. beautiful. stressful. enjoyable. transitional. fast. slow.

i was basically dared to write on here, since it has been since may, by my sister. she almost threatened to fight me over it. and then it was a facebook race to see who would do it first. and she beat me, of course, because i was not exactly "running" so fast to win this one. and so really i don't feel super motivated to write since she's already won, but alas! it needs to happen. i've really been waiting on my lazy bum to upload photos. and i'm currently doing that, while "working" from home. and i'm looking at the photos and realizing that they are of poor quality. i need to really learn how to take better photos with my new camera. {and that's even harder to do these days because i have a resident photographer of sorts in my life who i simply let be the camera-bearer as he generally always has it and is much much more skilled than i!}

but i'll share a few...
the livesays are back in the states for a while and we welcomed them back to minneapolis in june. this was our reunion there, minus one sister. the gallaghers had already been in town for a week and this was one gathering in a long string of many, that ended a week ago.

spent several days in owatonna with the family. it was nice and i felt spoiled. and struggled against the fact that i have a full-time job and couldn't be there even more. then we finally had our family vacation near lansboro (repeat of last summer), and i was able to be there for almost all of that. lovely and so fun...

a classic shot of warm days of playing with water for these blond cousins at the cabin.  we had an all out war one day between the boys and marmie/mimi and auntie lizzie. happy memories. too brief.

and now, i'm settling back into life as an in-home therapist/skills worker and trying to live up the rest of my summer. there are concerts to attend, camping to do, volunteering to (hopefully) begin, friends to see, lots of playing to do. and i'm looking forward to more time with the livesay family.  love, love, love.
and of course miss miss miss silly moments like this with my nephews who live in colorado. hoping to see them (there) sooner than later. uh. heartache.

there's more to share. stories, photos, people in my life. but that's it for now. much avoidance of work on this friday (but in my defense, not much work to be done)... must. move. on.

ps. if you don't know josh ritter yet, please do yourself a favor and check him out. can't get enough.

Friday, May 28, 2010

of late

life sure is great these days. changes usually have me in a tizzy, but even at this intense rate of change, somehow i feel relatively stable. i mean, i know i'm a bit more anxious than usual these days, but it isn't what it could have been. i think it helps that the changes are all so good!
change #1: the end of grad school. those two years of school flew flew flew by. not that it always felt that way, but looking back i can hardly believe that i left colorado almost two years ago and already completed my msw. time sure has a way of warping. graduation was nice in all of its pomp and circumstance. mom and dad "hooded" me on stage, meaning they draped one of those silly decorative things over my neck.  i was mostly just worried that they'd knock the silly mortarboard off of my head. but, didn't happen. i was wishing all afternoon that my sisters had been there. i felt so supported by them during these two years of school. but alas...
change #2: my internship ended on the wednesday before grad and i returned to the same place the monday after as a staff member. i'm finishing up week two as a full-time salaried in-home therapist. and it's been good and sometimes stressful and a bit slow for now, which is all fine.  i'm at half-caseload right now and slowly working up to full. learning lots. but it was nice to start someplace that i know and am known and in a position that i've done a bit of already. but it's definite change nonetheless. and i'm so thankful.
change #3: a boy. and a great one at that. (you can ask me to share on an individual basis. i'm more than willing! but be warned: i may have a hard time shutting up about him.)
change #4: my roommate and her baby moved out this week (this change isn't necessarily so great, but perhaps it was time...). i think i was in denial this last month and was sad to see jodi and babe leave. now i'm in the "living alone in a house with minimal stuff" phase. and thinking about buying things. [ha! wandered around target last night and thought about getting a few simple things that i'm missing, but after carrying some stuff around and debating colors in my head, i just put them all back. why is that so hard for me?]  but then also not sure where my next living situation will be and what i'll need. so it's awkward. and it's nice, too. but i'm always a bit nervous about living alone here in the northside. this will probably only be for a month, and then, more change!

so, life is good. really good. and i'm reading books for fun. and getting cooked lots of delicious meals. and earning the "big bucks" (ha!). and taking care of the cutest house in north minneapolis. and getting the swing of things at a new desk. and taking time for me.

lovely. i think this kind of change is grand, but still i'm okay with things normalizing a bit, for now.

Monday, May 10, 2010

this morning

i responded to a blog i read religiously this morning as i found this and especially this post to bring me to tears. the wide net of change and growth, and taking that shaky step into the next phase of life, has captured me. and it's nice to feel some comraderie with someone else who is at a very different, yet similar, place. so i thought i'd just share what i wrote to her... 


christina,
your posts made me cry this morning. i was a few days behind. and while i’m not a mommy watching her boys growing up and launching a beautiful project with the backing of many who believe in her, i am someone who is in the midst of new beginnings. it’s that scary-excited feeling that sometimes can feel lonely and sometimes can feel joyous and full. i’m finishing up grad school, avoiding my last paper just to prolong what’s become comfortable. and i’m starting a new fulltime job in one week, a new position at a place i’ve been a while, but somehow it’s scary nonetheless. and i’m taking that next step beyond this one passing closer to the many dreams i have. dreams that don’t necessarily bring lots of people near to join me on the journey.
as always, thanks for sharing and uniting us in universal happenings and struggles and quotidian delights.
liz

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sold into sex work | Asia | Pakistan | Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk | And Me in Minnesota...

i've been doing a lot of reading and writing on this topic of sex slavery, as usual i suppose, as i've been able to study its prevalence in different ways all around the world. i've been focused to the minnesota issue due to my location and my interest in the twin cities as i see myself staying here for a while yet. much like this article on the reality of sexual slavery among pakistani poor:
IRIN Asia PAKISTAN: Sold into sex work Asia Pakistan Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk Feature , girls on average are trafficked sexually between the ages of 12 and 14 in minnesota. people like to think the issue is just "over there" but it's here. and where you are, too, i'm pretty sure i can guarentee to any reader. i hope to continue to be involved with what is happening here to eradicate the influences that keep the market for sex thriving, while i also long to return to asia and do the work there. it's by reading articles like the one linked here along with commiting to work here among impoverished and oppressed adolescents and families that keep me focused on my goals and purpose.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

random pre-reading-in-bed thoughts

i'm afraid this computer is already on its way out. it does so many little fluke-y things that i wouldn't even know how to address if i were to take it to see the Geek Squad people or anyone else. it's just not right. and i dread the day it dies on me.

i found out more info about my job to be but have no yet officially signed papers or talked to the "HR lady," audrey. the woman who is moving from the position i'm set up to fill is a bit angsty about it all. she suggested to me today that it wasn't necessarily her choice to move on to outpatient work with clients, that it was sort of decided for her when she got her LMFT licensure. and telling me that left me feeling a bit awkward since i knew she and the other two staff in the in-home department did not necessarily see eye-to-eye and she wonders if perhaps that's why they moved her on. anyways, i just stared at a hole in her the wall of her new office as she shared this all with me and told her that "i'll see if i like it," and "umm... err... sorry! gotta run!" anyways, all of that drama aside, i am looking forward to making the plunge into in home therapy work.  and i had a meeting with my new "boss" this week to discuss working with one of my outpatient clients a bit longer, and she is convinced its a good idea on a temporary basis--in the best interest of this client ("the wee one" mentioned in a previous post, actually). that excites me and i look forward to talking with her about it on monday.

i bought a pair of lucky jeans from target yesterday. (honestly never tried a pair on in my life nor been strangely obsessed with that brand like so many others i know.) weird, i know, since they don't carry that label. but somehow they had been returned to a target successfully and were very marked down in order for them to get rid of them. the dressing room lady said something about a "scandal!" ha! so, i felt a bit odd about the purchase but liked the way they fit (and the price!) enough to buy them nonetheless. random. but not as random as my story of driving a drunk/high lady around north minneapolis just before 10 pm a couple weeks back...

and i made spring rolls tonight.  a bit messy and not as tasty as they could have been with shrimp, but i wasn't feeling good about splurging on that, so alas! no shrimp. the mint helped of course.  i love that bangkok peanut sauce, so i bought some of that to eat with the veggie spring rolls. and made extras for tomorrow's lunch. ymmm... spring rolls, pinot grigio and dark chocolate. tasty late dinner.

and now off to more reading about recovery work for trauma survivors. some light reading to usher in much-needed sleep.

i leave you with this shot of sweet little man tate concentrating on some toy of his big brothers'. i love the lighting...and the subject, of course!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

spring's sound and breeze fill my senses

i have no reason to wonder any more if it will be difficult to finish this grad school thing strong. it most definitely will. it's already over 60 degrees here in minneapolis and climbing. i have my opened my back upstairs window and my back door to let the sounds and warmth in, and the heat is officially turned off (i know, i know, we've had it on still since our house seems to stay way too cold and there's a pregnant lady living here...). 


i have a month and a half of school left. and then, well, i ever so thankfully get to immediately begin a job! a full-time job as a family therapist! it's wild and is still sinking in, since i've only known for sure of this news since monday afternoon. but i'm so so so thankful for the job, and not just a job, but a job i really want, one that will teach me lots that i am eager to learn and one that i hear has decent pay and one that will get me the clinical hours i need over the next two years to get my clinical license. and i'm staying put, it means. and i can quit my group home job (wrote the official resignation email just this morning. ah relief!)! and i think it means much more... but i won't know the details until next week when the HR lady contacts me.  oh yeah, i guess i should clarify that it's a job at the place i'm interning currently.  so i'll be continuing on with the two families i'm working with as an intern and i'll be ending my work with my 6 outpatient clients. that ending part is going to suck. i really like these young men and women... i'll be moving to a desk across the hall and working with two really great women whom have already taught me so much in the family therapy realm of things and how to creatively do what our funding folks ask of us. it's going to be challenging (and i'm thankful for that, too). and i'll be working in people's homes. i know that is the type of therapy many people despise, but i happen to be a fan, at least so far. it feels normal to be hanging out with people in their homes, as a guest, thanks to my years in nepal doing lots of that. but it definitely brings a different dynamic when i'm coming in to help these incredibly struggling teens/young adults and their families as a therapist.  let the journey commence! [actually i feel torn: i both wish i was starting my job today (instead of waiting until may 17th) and i wish i had a few weeks break from school before starting, but i'll happily take what i've been given.]


so yay, celebrate with me! it really is amazing in this market to be able to so quickly find work. and i'm so glad to NOT have to hunt with the rest of those who will ever-so-quickly be competing for the few clinical positions out there. 


all of you in colorado and indiana and elsewhere, you can come visit me, i suppose i'm not moving back any time too soon.


(ps. i love lent. and i love holy week. i'm thankful for this week, and for what it means. perhaps i'll post on that in a couple days before it's all said and done.)

Monday, March 8, 2010

"The earth is crammed with heaven." -elizabeth barrett browning

processing the session with the wee one today. it's sort of haunting me. i sort of feel like i did a crap job. made her worry about the day that we have to end our working relationship. and i'm worried about it, too. i almost cried with her at the thought of her and i not seeing each other, and her not having a replacement since she declares she won't want one. and i almost cried at the thought of her potentially not trying anymore with me because, "what's the point? to say it all just to have to tell someone else it all again?" i almost agree with her.  i feel like i lost it, i didn't pay attention to the earlier tears she was crying. why was she crying those tears? was she crying about how i was talking like other therapists, saying it's the drugs when she wanted me to say "it's you," as she linked it to the excuse of the drugs her mom uses and gets for her own issues.  "it's my mom." "it's me. it's not the drugs. it's me!" and i rattled  off all the things it is, drugs being part of what she is allowing into her life, the decisions she's making, her stage of development and her traumatized brain. and yes, it's her. and more. but did i leave her feeling helpless and hopeless. was i overly-negative? and did i not build her back up as she needed before saying goodbye sweetly to lois and meeting her mom in the car? she left with the quickly shut up tears, a desire to smoke a bowl, and a plan to get a kickass journal to mimic "cruel intentions" for her renewed love to writing her constantly confused thoughts and show them to proudly week-to-week. i'm sorta anxious about the two and a half week separation (a "grip," as the wee one taught me: a long long time), since i'm missing our next two appointments to go on vaca.  i'm sort of nervous, too, about if she'll give up on me, as someone she can trust, and not come back, or at least shut down, aware that the separation is inevitable. and nervous, too, about the things i didn't say and could have even though our session was extra-long again. [so odd, but i'm not usually plagued by such anxiety about what i could have/should have said.] and i'm wishing i didn't have to leave her now, almost as a practice for what's to come. and this is all surprising to me. i really didn't think i'd get that attached. but i am. and how will i handle it? it's a new thought to me. and then i feel like a crap therapist that i've let myself get attached, and even worse that i've let them attach to me. they don't need me, but i think some of them feel like it now, after meeting so regularly. and i don't get to end on their terms, it's mine. my time is up (or will be in two months) and therefore they are forced to move on. odd. makes me uncomfortable. and i cringe. if there's any way to continue with this extra special wee fighter, i would.  is there any way? i wrack my brain tonight as i think of what i didn't say and what i will do with our last two months together. i wish that i could get hired on and continue, even if in a different capacity, just to carry on with these dear ones. oh, i'm crazy. and oh, yes, i love this work and i hate change and separation. and hate having to trust that this time is not meant to mend it all. because i want to see them all healed and whole. it's impossible but a hope that is in line with who i am, my desires and my deep deep hopes. i have to hold them up with open hands even as i meet with them, but especially as i send them on their ways.


"the biggest tragedy for me is when something beautiful wants to grow and something else stops it." --mary pipher, letters to a young therapist

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

it's something

here are some "somethings" i'm trying to hold onto (my supervisor at my internship just affirmed me for holding onto positives as i can, and i am glad that i am, in the flow of trying to become less negative):

--there's still much conversing to happen around the office before they make a final decision. yesterday's conversation left me a bit frustrated... but there's still some hope. i get to wait!

--this is my hair after a full day of wearing it, napping on it, being outside, inside, etc...
the photo's something even if the hair's not so great looking right now. i got a haircut (needed one badly) and it's a belated and not-so-well-lit display of the hair dye (that i probably should update in a few weeks already).

--i meant to get LOTS of writing done this weekend/week. and well, i started and completed one paper (a 4 pager) instead of the intended research project. it's something! another check on my long list.  ...hmm, i also managed to clean and organize and get the recycling/garbage out and write some emails and have some great phone conversations and spend a couple wonderful times with friends face to face and via gchat and purchase a camera... funny how that works. and my avoidance presently continues...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

cross your fingers, pray, whatever you might do...

t minus 5 minutes until i go into a meeting that may result in at minimum a little more info and at maximum a job offer (that would be a miraculous maximum!). but i am going to have a conversation about the murmurings around this joint about the potential for me to find a job here in the near future. i've had high hopes all weekend since being told a position will be opening and several people are dropping my name. and then yesterday had even bigger reason to hope...somewhat quickly followed by a small dashing of my hopeful spirits. so the conversation about to happen could be good, okay or bad (or not that clear-cut as i teach my clients we can feel all sorta of conflicting emotions at once... confusion is normal--and i admit i confusedly hate and love confusion all at once, too!). so we'll see. how grand would it be NOT to have to job hunt and compete against my friends in a couple months?!

my mantra today has been, "it will all be as it should."

t minus 1 minute!

Friday, February 26, 2010

thoughts that inspire and distract me

a friend of mine, from my little church that meets in a home and has no name, sent me bits and chunks of this essay by anne lamott this afternoon. i got a good taste and had to read the whole thing. i especially love the imagery about drinking water and giving and receiving it from each other.  it may be a bit liberal for some of my friends, but anne lamott is no regular jesus-lover, as you probably already know. i think it reflects much of my own ideas about love and life and suffering, but of course much more eloquently.

i've been in conversations with several friends this week, from separate parts of my life actually, about community and it's purpose and how it could/should look.  i find myself struggling (no surprise there!) with what my little community here is now and where i think it could be.  i have had a lot of wandering thoughts about some frustrations and disappointments with our lack of connection and care for each other, but i've not been too intentional about really sitting down to process my thoughts and feelings in order to do much about it.  i wrote an email to a few of my friends last week in regards to one friend who has been a bit absent from us physically for quite some time, and therefore absent from most people's thoughts.  and i find it wrong, not what i envision or feel convicted that community is meant to be. that WE are meant to be as the body of Christ.  at the same time i feel so many other competing things about how we are caught up in ourselves and our circular discussion around how to be community.  and we are unaware of the needs of the people who ARE physically present. and why? and that we don't actually pray much together even though we talk about what we need prayer for (that's one that always gets my goat historically). and that i can be as much of a failure and disappointment as anyone else. so i hesitate speaking since i fear being called a hypocrite.  perhaps i should start by shouting my own mistakes and self-absorption from the rooftop!  anyways, my friend has encouraged me to speak up more, like i did on friday i suppose he meant. to speak about my frustrations and be the change-maker i know i'm called to be. and i think he is right. (and i, in turn, called him to be more bold as he speaks up, because he's been speaking and we need to hear what he is really saying beneath all of his kind words and curious questions.) and we need to speak the positives, the beauties in the thing that is community and in the individuals that comprise it and beyond.  he reminded me of that as well.  another step on my path away from chronic negativity. unfortunately, i'm distracted and so very distract-able. i am not disciplined well, i admit.  changing that could be the beginning to fit all these things i care about in my life, instead of just waiting to walk the stage in may.  life doesn't have to be on hold until then. right? (i digress..)

read it, this lamott essay, that i somehow feel is relevant to these conversations on community, and talk to me about it, if you're up to it.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

slowly morning melody, slowly.

my bad habit of staying up late has continued. i have been staying up because for some reason by the time i should be thinking of bed i all of a sudden have many busybody type thoughts and actions to focus on, and all weariness is suddenly gone.  it is not a habit i want to continue because on mornings that i technically can sleep in longer than i should, i then do. i need to go to bed an hour or two earlier so that i can get up that hour or two sooner, and get some stuff done--like studying, pilates, shoveling, errands.

anyways, here i am, with a couple extra hours before i have to be to work, and target and the post office are on the agenda. pilates once again isn't happening. the snow has stopped but it definitely piled up over the last couple of days (i think it's just a lull in the flow).  we aren't as "lucky" as other places to get enough snow to have a snow day.  i wanted so badly to have one yesterday, to not have to drive to st. paul slowly, so slowly, there and back. but no luck for me.  and of course i couldn't get up my small driveway and into the garage come 7:15 pm, and nearly got stuck in the alley, but barreled through to park overnight on the street. plan post-work: finish up the shoveling, including the drive.

had a good heart to heart with the roommate last night. i have seen her so little the last week and a half. it was nice to just chat in the kitchen for an hour about her thoughts of living in the neighborhood, her transitions, her many changes and her family. i think we both appreciated the break of separate solo homework hours and the  further clarity and understanding.

another photo to leave you with (i'm really liking having all my digital photos finally on my computer, next huge task will be to scan some non-digital ones in):

Friday, February 5, 2010

photo of the day:


pandora radio of the week: joanna newsom radio.   (off the hook good.)

off to a chris koza concert. it's going to be a very late night, with my friend sara from school that i hardly see anymore (no class together). and an early morn of work.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Success!

i felt inspired after trying to do some reading for school. i've hated not having a lot of photos at my fingertips, so i found one cd of many to copy onto my computer. and now i feel like i have what i need to spice this place up a bit. so welcome to the new look & feel of the blog a la lizzie. 


don't roll your eyes at the nepali influence. it's what drives me through grad school. it drives my days and my dreams. deal with it! 


ps. i realized i was using a lame template and now found one that works much better for me. the fonts are correct! and now i can really have fun here. come one, come all! (er, not all.)

feeling the pull

i've been writing this post in my head for a couple weeks. and honestly, it's gone now, all that i'd written.  i just finished supervision early and am avoiding a Diagnostic Assessment that i need to write, reading blogs i love and wishing i knew how to post beautiful photos and creative musings here. but alas. i can't seem to figure it out. i can't even seem to get my font to stay the way i change it. it's annoying. it's blah-zay.

i was itching for a change last week, so on thursday i, shhh don't tell, re-ignite my online dating life (a.k.a. forked over the money and prayed it wouldn't be a waste this time). and on friday, i went to a salon (can't tell you the last time i went to one of those) with a friend from school, also scratching at the change-itch, and dyed my hair.  it's now much darker (as dark as the lady could suggest i go with my coloring) and has red in it. and i have to tell you, i love it so much that i am considering paying regularly to keep it this way! i also decided that i DO NOT afterall want my hair its hippy length again. i had been saying i was going to grow it back, but i realized i like it the length it is now (basically just badly needing a haircut), so i'm going to hope that my hairdresser/friend kim will be able to switch our routine to cut to this length instead of the 2-3 inches shorter i've had for the last almost two years.

pretty big changes around here, eh? ha.

i'm in my last semester of grad school. so far so good. as in not too hard. i've managed to still waste lots of time and be just fine doing it. right now i only have three classes with homework. come spring break, i'll add another. but this seems to be the most manageable semester yet. there will be role-plays (which really don't scare me anymore, thanks to my months of "doing it for real" at my internship) and group projects (yuck!), but i'll make it. and come May 15th i'll walk the stage, get hooded by my parents, and get my MSW. i can almost smell freedom now!

in the meantime i've been stressing i bit about "what's next." i have some ideas in the works and am dabbling in the volunteer world to make sure i get to work in areas that i'm most passionate about. i'm contemplating what i'll do, where i'll go, if i can't get a job here. i'm thinking of applying for incredible competitive (unpaid) positions that could take me back overseas. and i'm thinking the sensible me should take whatever job i can and just hunker down for two years until i get that clinical license. hmmm.... thoughts? advice?

well, in the meantime i'm doing therapy. FIVE clients in one day yesterday. my supervisor says that's a record for any intern she's ever had... (i brag a bit because it really was quite a bit deal). and i wasn't left drained by it, rather quite energized. and that energized me more because it might suggest this is actually for me afterall. i also finally got assigned my in home family to work with.  that begins next week. i have been ready and raring to go on that one for many weeks/months now. i feel pretty good about it except for some of the paperwork will be new. i'll be working with a wee tyke and his mum. how fun.

no one reads this. minus anne and sarah. and honestly that sorta annoys me. now i've come full circle and am back to thinking about how i could make this silly me-indulgent spot a bit more enticing to the sometimes/raretimes reader....??

Sunday, January 10, 2010

ready or not

here i come! is what i'm yelling at my bed right now.

told THE STORY again today. it had been a while since the whole shpeel was requested. i started with, "i so don't feel up to the whole thing, but i'll give you a basic idea..." and then i told almost everything. really, i couldn't believe that one of my closest friends here had never even heard it and never actually knew the true ending... whatever. glad she knows now. nice to hear she wanted to go to a thrift store and by a stack of plates just to break, in my honor.

i'm crying a lot lately. usually that isn't too big of a deal, but it's been more than normal, and more heart-felt. and sorta not understandable. although understandable. you know? it's exhausting being me today. as my friend says, and lately i concur, "i have nothing to give." why is that? and at the same time, i'm praying more than ever (or than i have for a long while--minus the retreat from a couple weeks back), so that part of my life feels good. perhaps that's the tears. perhaps it's not a confusion but an explanation of all the emotion. i hope i'm hearing and learning what i'm supposed to. this better be worth it.

can't wait for visits with ben and then abby and noah this week (not to mention the folks in muncie). let's just hope my dad's car (he preferred me to take his over mine), that seems to have horrible traction on snow and ice, gets me to illinois and indiana and back in one piece. and preferably while going the speed limit.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

resolutions

it's past midnight. i'm at work and should have been asleep for hours by now. however, after receiving a reward that i recommended myself for at our work holiday party this evening, with an extra 70 bucks in my pocket to prove it, i found myself particularly inspired... by the recognition more than the money... and i walked the isles of Target to see what things for my still semi-empty house i could now afford, left with only two pairs of little black gloves (for a whopping $1.50) and let myself spend another $1.07 more on a Red Box movie. i had decided to go into work a bit early to let the evening girl off and to get my night going (before the usual ten o'clock arrival/start time). and in order to make the hours before sleep more interesting, i spent the dollar plus to watch Julie & Julia. and now, i feel more inspired to write by it than cook hundreds of fattening meals. so i began a list of resolutions in my head. and, knowing myself to not easily turn of the churning machine in my skull, with the fortunate ease of access to computer left on, i hopped up and turned the light on to type them here before they are forgotten in slumber. perhaps a small bit of me wishes this blog were read and interesting like the one julie writes in that film, but i don't kid myself; i just like writing when i'm in the flow. whether "they" or you read it or not.
so the resolutions, in no particular order:
1. to write more, of the creative sort. not just the journaling, hand-aching kind (while even to my journal in many ways i've become a stranger), but the kind that is "in the [above mentioned] flow."
2. to resist my natural tendency to hibernate with my home-body self and get my butt moving. i can feel the poundage creeping on around my upper arms and shoulderblade/wing areas, and those are only the parts i'm aware of. i must begin to use that silly bollywood workout dvd, locate the isle at target that sells workout dvds (since i have experiences with those of a much more effective lot), and/or break down and get that membership at the Y (to be sleuthed this sunday pre-"swing" class or some such odd name for a hodgepodge of movements over and over that i've yet tried).
3. to seriously study nepali. it must happen. i must be fluent one day, and why delay that day by being lazy now? it's quite saddening and ridiculous as i realize how quickly the vocab and grammar i once had is now being lost. i visited my bhutanese nepali friend today and had such a difficult time saying the most simple things. i honestly came quite close to giving up the whole dream in the face of my loss. i hope to visit her regularly to ward of further loss and perhaps gain some back, and i realized the books on my shelf and my old school journal need some serious, and consistent, visiting.
4. to go on some dates (as yet i cannot commit to a number/frequency). enough said on this matter, for now.
5. to study hard for the next month and 11 days for my LGSW exam and then to successfully complete (aka pass) it. i WILL not torture myself (and my pocketbook) with a re-take!
6. to apply with gusto for the cambodian adventure that frightens and delights me all at once. to let my application be rejected or found wanting, if such happens, and then come the next april, apply again.
7. to find a way to dwell less on the "if onlys" of the past and the "what ifs" of the future. to come that much closer to freedom, contentment and presence in the now.
8. to laugh with abandon more often.
9. to pray more, as if i truly believe what i say i do. and not in the holy, polished, "i believe, oh jesus!" way (although that's good, too), but to just talk to God like he's there and caring and comforting even though so much of me rejects and feels uncomfortable with that. to let him be that companion that i so desperately seek for elsewhere (and will never fully find in those elsewhere places, peoples and things), a companion i even chat to about my wing fat and the fact that i can't believe my back and legs aren't aching from all the hibernating i've been doing lately! these meaningless and random conversations are so far feeling pretty great, as of today, post script.
and last, 10. to fully experience my emotions while not becoming their prey.

(okay. now. maybe my brain is empty enough to let me sleep for the next few hours until my client wakes me with the wall poundings and yells of "ma'am! ma'am! i'm not feeling so fine!" oh lord...)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

2010. today and a belated reflection on this year's commencement.

it's that age old delaying problem of "waiting for inspiration." alas.

i have been stood up again. by a client. a client that i wonder if i freaked out a bit last time we met as i was really pushing her to let down her guard a bit with me. she left saying, "i want to feel!" but i knew the prospect was scary for her. so many of my clients are similar to her (although not all quite as stoic), with such intense histories of damaging rejection, trauma, bad parenting, neglect, and the like. but they are such beauties! it's so much fun to get to know them all, to see their unique selves and encourage their attempts and hopes to have something all their own to offer to the world. they have cherished dreams and tiny bits of willingness to hope for them to actually take shape. it is truly a privilege to walk beside them.

often, after particularly intense sessions, i feel like i need to shake off the residue of these young adults who sit with me and share their stories. i get to poke and prod into their lives, their pains and joys, their very essences, hopefully in a manageable and well-timed and welcomed way. and when i do so their story becomes a bit of mine, and i become a bit of theirs too. these days/weeks/months of interaction leave me changed, and hopefully they leave changed for the better as well. really, the prayers that i've prayed for each of them are too few. and the pressure i have put on myself to help them in dramatic ways has subsided as i've learned that now is only meant to help them manage what is to come a little better than without the now. sure, more could happen in our weekly/biweekly sessions, but if i expect too much i grow stunted and disappointed with myself (or with them! godforbid!). it's such an interesting learning process.

i wrote an email to a friend today. an update on where i am now, so close to graduation and approaching the next steps that are still quite blurry to me. he's on of a few who were with me and very influential in my life 2 1/2 years ago when i was given the vision i have for my future, the one that began with a trip back to nepal and lots of prayer and lead from there to applications for graduate school... and later on a move back to the mother land and many hours of studying and writing and working for free. it was so fun to write to him. to thank him again for those hours of processing and trips around the foothills. and for the long day in the forest, writing and reading side by side when the clarity really struck my heart through his own words and longings for therapists to come to nepal. it's great, too, to imagine joining him there again one day as his work has really continued to grow (www.tinyhandsinternational.org) and thrive.

i also talked with my good friend kara last night. she recently returned from 5 years in nepal and is trying to discern her next steps as well. we both have these dreams that we feel are so clearly from God, not the same dreams but for similar peoples... and it was nice to discuss all the excitement and peace that can dwell within us while not knowing how it will all work out. the excitement flowing from knowing it's got to be God so much more than us. and that we have major parts to play: things to learn, people to network with, hours of prayers to pray... but that it isn't and can't be about it. i described to kara how i have this big broad dream with some details slowly coming into focus that is sort of far off on the horizon. and then i also have a clear picture of the step just in front of my face. but the big gap inbetween is dark to me. and as we talked, we both confirmed that if we knew what all was in that large shadowy expanse, we would freak out and halt altogether! so it's grace that we don't know all the steps and tasks and hills and miraculous musthaves between what is right in front of us and what will one day be. it made me more excited and thankful. and so glad to have a good good friend in a similar place. i'm so excited for her and can be full of deep faith for her and God acting in and through her... feeling that for her and speaking it to her helps me feel more of that faith for myself and my own unique path. more faith and less doubtful fear and anxiety is what i've been praying.

i spent a couple days in a hermitage in the woods (paceminterris.org) right before the new year and before my big 2-9 (new years day). it was a wonderful time of silence and reflection and prayers about all sorts of things. a time to rejuvinate and re-set my stance of standing on what i know in the depths of me to be true, about God and about me. i read some stuff about belonging and identity that cut to my core, especially as loneliness has become a companion i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. and i learned that if we are willing to sit face-to-face with our loneliness, stare it down, rather than distract! distract! distract! (my usual modus operandi) that icky self-concept-distorting companion can turn into a beautiful friend: Solitude. in Solitude we can really meet God. and Solitude (not just isolation) can be had anywhere, even in the business, noisiest places--it doesn't require a hermitage where no cars or talkers are allowed to traverse! and i prayed for an abiliity to transform loneliness into Solitude. because i realize trying to escape from or ignore loneliness is ridiculous and impossible. we all, whether married or single, whether a true hermit or the bell of the ball, have a bit of loneliness with us. this loneliness is evidence that the Kingdom has not quite come and it is part of that longing for more, longing for heaven, longing for intimacy with God--that, Him, the only true satisfier of our need to for connection and belonging. and he can infuse our days. that is what he asks/demands of us. an abiding, a constant praying... and it seems impossible. but i swear its more possible than i've let myself believe. and my hands-tossed-in-the-air "i can't!" has really just stolen a mysterious transforming of my moments and days. so no more! i will pray and trust and wait for God to teach me, show me, and show up. my ears need some re-training to hear. but there is hope even in that acknowledgement, admitting that i've lost some of what i once had maybe, but perhaps instead a realization that i need to learn anew, at a new level of mystery specifically for the now of this next year of life and change and journey.

join with me anyone? speak your doubts to Him who isn't thrown off or pushed away by them and let him speak inner deep rooting truths to your hearts, anyone? let's surrender our heads a bit and ask for more experiences of the heart. i want to be rooted in the solid ground and honestly confront the winds of doubt and fear that come. to me, that's faith.