resolutions

it's past midnight. i'm at work and should have been asleep for hours by now. however, after receiving a reward that i recommended myself for at our work holiday party this evening, with an extra 70 bucks in my pocket to prove it, i found myself particularly inspired... by the recognition more than the money... and i walked the isles of Target to see what things for my still semi-empty house i could now afford, left with only two pairs of little black gloves (for a whopping $1.50) and let myself spend another $1.07 more on a Red Box movie. i had decided to go into work a bit early to let the evening girl off and to get my night going (before the usual ten o'clock arrival/start time). and in order to make the hours before sleep more interesting, i spent the dollar plus to watch Julie & Julia. and now, i feel more inspired to write by it than cook hundreds of fattening meals. so i began a list of resolutions in my head. and, knowing myself to not easily turn of the churning machine in my skull, with the fortunate ease of access to computer left on, i hopped up and turned the light on to type them here before they are forgotten in slumber. perhaps a small bit of me wishes this blog were read and interesting like the one julie writes in that film, but i don't kid myself; i just like writing when i'm in the flow. whether "they" or you read it or not.
so the resolutions, in no particular order:
1. to write more, of the creative sort. not just the journaling, hand-aching kind (while even to my journal in many ways i've become a stranger), but the kind that is "in the [above mentioned] flow."
2. to resist my natural tendency to hibernate with my home-body self and get my butt moving. i can feel the poundage creeping on around my upper arms and shoulderblade/wing areas, and those are only the parts i'm aware of. i must begin to use that silly bollywood workout dvd, locate the isle at target that sells workout dvds (since i have experiences with those of a much more effective lot), and/or break down and get that membership at the Y (to be sleuthed this sunday pre-"swing" class or some such odd name for a hodgepodge of movements over and over that i've yet tried).
3. to seriously study nepali. it must happen. i must be fluent one day, and why delay that day by being lazy now? it's quite saddening and ridiculous as i realize how quickly the vocab and grammar i once had is now being lost. i visited my bhutanese nepali friend today and had such a difficult time saying the most simple things. i honestly came quite close to giving up the whole dream in the face of my loss. i hope to visit her regularly to ward of further loss and perhaps gain some back, and i realized the books on my shelf and my old school journal need some serious, and consistent, visiting.
4. to go on some dates (as yet i cannot commit to a number/frequency). enough said on this matter, for now.
5. to study hard for the next month and 11 days for my LGSW exam and then to successfully complete (aka pass) it. i WILL not torture myself (and my pocketbook) with a re-take!
6. to apply with gusto for the cambodian adventure that frightens and delights me all at once. to let my application be rejected or found wanting, if such happens, and then come the next april, apply again.
7. to find a way to dwell less on the "if onlys" of the past and the "what ifs" of the future. to come that much closer to freedom, contentment and presence in the now.
8. to laugh with abandon more often.
9. to pray more, as if i truly believe what i say i do. and not in the holy, polished, "i believe, oh jesus!" way (although that's good, too), but to just talk to God like he's there and caring and comforting even though so much of me rejects and feels uncomfortable with that. to let him be that companion that i so desperately seek for elsewhere (and will never fully find in those elsewhere places, peoples and things), a companion i even chat to about my wing fat and the fact that i can't believe my back and legs aren't aching from all the hibernating i've been doing lately! these meaningless and random conversations are so far feeling pretty great, as of today, post script.
and last, 10. to fully experience my emotions while not becoming their prey.

(okay. now. maybe my brain is empty enough to let me sleep for the next few hours until my client wakes me with the wall poundings and yells of "ma'am! ma'am! i'm not feeling so fine!" oh lord...)