2010. today and a belated reflection on this year's commencement.

it's that age old delaying problem of "waiting for inspiration." alas.

i have been stood up again. by a client. a client that i wonder if i freaked out a bit last time we met as i was really pushing her to let down her guard a bit with me. she left saying, "i want to feel!" but i knew the prospect was scary for her. so many of my clients are similar to her (although not all quite as stoic), with such intense histories of damaging rejection, trauma, bad parenting, neglect, and the like. but they are such beauties! it's so much fun to get to know them all, to see their unique selves and encourage their attempts and hopes to have something all their own to offer to the world. they have cherished dreams and tiny bits of willingness to hope for them to actually take shape. it is truly a privilege to walk beside them.

often, after particularly intense sessions, i feel like i need to shake off the residue of these young adults who sit with me and share their stories. i get to poke and prod into their lives, their pains and joys, their very essences, hopefully in a manageable and well-timed and welcomed way. and when i do so their story becomes a bit of mine, and i become a bit of theirs too. these days/weeks/months of interaction leave me changed, and hopefully they leave changed for the better as well. really, the prayers that i've prayed for each of them are too few. and the pressure i have put on myself to help them in dramatic ways has subsided as i've learned that now is only meant to help them manage what is to come a little better than without the now. sure, more could happen in our weekly/biweekly sessions, but if i expect too much i grow stunted and disappointed with myself (or with them! godforbid!). it's such an interesting learning process.

i wrote an email to a friend today. an update on where i am now, so close to graduation and approaching the next steps that are still quite blurry to me. he's on of a few who were with me and very influential in my life 2 1/2 years ago when i was given the vision i have for my future, the one that began with a trip back to nepal and lots of prayer and lead from there to applications for graduate school... and later on a move back to the mother land and many hours of studying and writing and working for free. it was so fun to write to him. to thank him again for those hours of processing and trips around the foothills. and for the long day in the forest, writing and reading side by side when the clarity really struck my heart through his own words and longings for therapists to come to nepal. it's great, too, to imagine joining him there again one day as his work has really continued to grow (www.tinyhandsinternational.org) and thrive.

i also talked with my good friend kara last night. she recently returned from 5 years in nepal and is trying to discern her next steps as well. we both have these dreams that we feel are so clearly from God, not the same dreams but for similar peoples... and it was nice to discuss all the excitement and peace that can dwell within us while not knowing how it will all work out. the excitement flowing from knowing it's got to be God so much more than us. and that we have major parts to play: things to learn, people to network with, hours of prayers to pray... but that it isn't and can't be about it. i described to kara how i have this big broad dream with some details slowly coming into focus that is sort of far off on the horizon. and then i also have a clear picture of the step just in front of my face. but the big gap inbetween is dark to me. and as we talked, we both confirmed that if we knew what all was in that large shadowy expanse, we would freak out and halt altogether! so it's grace that we don't know all the steps and tasks and hills and miraculous musthaves between what is right in front of us and what will one day be. it made me more excited and thankful. and so glad to have a good good friend in a similar place. i'm so excited for her and can be full of deep faith for her and God acting in and through her... feeling that for her and speaking it to her helps me feel more of that faith for myself and my own unique path. more faith and less doubtful fear and anxiety is what i've been praying.

i spent a couple days in a hermitage in the woods (paceminterris.org) right before the new year and before my big 2-9 (new years day). it was a wonderful time of silence and reflection and prayers about all sorts of things. a time to rejuvinate and re-set my stance of standing on what i know in the depths of me to be true, about God and about me. i read some stuff about belonging and identity that cut to my core, especially as loneliness has become a companion i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. and i learned that if we are willing to sit face-to-face with our loneliness, stare it down, rather than distract! distract! distract! (my usual modus operandi) that icky self-concept-distorting companion can turn into a beautiful friend: Solitude. in Solitude we can really meet God. and Solitude (not just isolation) can be had anywhere, even in the business, noisiest places--it doesn't require a hermitage where no cars or talkers are allowed to traverse! and i prayed for an abiliity to transform loneliness into Solitude. because i realize trying to escape from or ignore loneliness is ridiculous and impossible. we all, whether married or single, whether a true hermit or the bell of the ball, have a bit of loneliness with us. this loneliness is evidence that the Kingdom has not quite come and it is part of that longing for more, longing for heaven, longing for intimacy with God--that, Him, the only true satisfier of our need to for connection and belonging. and he can infuse our days. that is what he asks/demands of us. an abiding, a constant praying... and it seems impossible. but i swear its more possible than i've let myself believe. and my hands-tossed-in-the-air "i can't!" has really just stolen a mysterious transforming of my moments and days. so no more! i will pray and trust and wait for God to teach me, show me, and show up. my ears need some re-training to hear. but there is hope even in that acknowledgement, admitting that i've lost some of what i once had maybe, but perhaps instead a realization that i need to learn anew, at a new level of mystery specifically for the now of this next year of life and change and journey.

join with me anyone? speak your doubts to Him who isn't thrown off or pushed away by them and let him speak inner deep rooting truths to your hearts, anyone? let's surrender our heads a bit and ask for more experiences of the heart. i want to be rooted in the solid ground and honestly confront the winds of doubt and fear that come. to me, that's faith.