spring's sound and breeze fill my senses

i have no reason to wonder any more if it will be difficult to finish this grad school thing strong. it most definitely will. it's already over 60 degrees here in minneapolis and climbing. i have my opened my back upstairs window and my back door to let the sounds and warmth in, and the heat is officially turned off (i know, i know, we've had it on still since our house seems to stay way too cold and there's a pregnant lady living here...). 


i have a month and a half of school left. and then, well, i ever so thankfully get to immediately begin a job! a full-time job as a family therapist! it's wild and is still sinking in, since i've only known for sure of this news since monday afternoon. but i'm so so so thankful for the job, and not just a job, but a job i really want, one that will teach me lots that i am eager to learn and one that i hear has decent pay and one that will get me the clinical hours i need over the next two years to get my clinical license. and i'm staying put, it means. and i can quit my group home job (wrote the official resignation email just this morning. ah relief!)! and i think it means much more... but i won't know the details until next week when the HR lady contacts me.  oh yeah, i guess i should clarify that it's a job at the place i'm interning currently.  so i'll be continuing on with the two families i'm working with as an intern and i'll be ending my work with my 6 outpatient clients. that ending part is going to suck. i really like these young men and women... i'll be moving to a desk across the hall and working with two really great women whom have already taught me so much in the family therapy realm of things and how to creatively do what our funding folks ask of us. it's going to be challenging (and i'm thankful for that, too). and i'll be working in people's homes. i know that is the type of therapy many people despise, but i happen to be a fan, at least so far. it feels normal to be hanging out with people in their homes, as a guest, thanks to my years in nepal doing lots of that. but it definitely brings a different dynamic when i'm coming in to help these incredibly struggling teens/young adults and their families as a therapist.  let the journey commence! [actually i feel torn: i both wish i was starting my job today (instead of waiting until may 17th) and i wish i had a few weeks break from school before starting, but i'll happily take what i've been given.]


so yay, celebrate with me! it really is amazing in this market to be able to so quickly find work. and i'm so glad to NOT have to hunt with the rest of those who will ever-so-quickly be competing for the few clinical positions out there. 


all of you in colorado and indiana and elsewhere, you can come visit me, i suppose i'm not moving back any time too soon.


(ps. i love lent. and i love holy week. i'm thankful for this week, and for what it means. perhaps i'll post on that in a couple days before it's all said and done.)

"The earth is crammed with heaven." -elizabeth barrett browning

processing the session with the wee one today. it's sort of haunting me. i sort of feel like i did a crap job. made her worry about the day that we have to end our working relationship. and i'm worried about it, too. i almost cried with her at the thought of her and i not seeing each other, and her not having a replacement since she declares she won't want one. and i almost cried at the thought of her potentially not trying anymore with me because, "what's the point? to say it all just to have to tell someone else it all again?" i almost agree with her.  i feel like i lost it, i didn't pay attention to the earlier tears she was crying. why was she crying those tears? was she crying about how i was talking like other therapists, saying it's the drugs when she wanted me to say "it's you," as she linked it to the excuse of the drugs her mom uses and gets for her own issues.  "it's my mom." "it's me. it's not the drugs. it's me!" and i rattled  off all the things it is, drugs being part of what she is allowing into her life, the decisions she's making, her stage of development and her traumatized brain. and yes, it's her. and more. but did i leave her feeling helpless and hopeless. was i overly-negative? and did i not build her back up as she needed before saying goodbye sweetly to lois and meeting her mom in the car? she left with the quickly shut up tears, a desire to smoke a bowl, and a plan to get a kickass journal to mimic "cruel intentions" for her renewed love to writing her constantly confused thoughts and show them to proudly week-to-week. i'm sorta anxious about the two and a half week separation (a "grip," as the wee one taught me: a long long time), since i'm missing our next two appointments to go on vaca.  i'm sort of nervous, too, about if she'll give up on me, as someone she can trust, and not come back, or at least shut down, aware that the separation is inevitable. and nervous, too, about the things i didn't say and could have even though our session was extra-long again. [so odd, but i'm not usually plagued by such anxiety about what i could have/should have said.] and i'm wishing i didn't have to leave her now, almost as a practice for what's to come. and this is all surprising to me. i really didn't think i'd get that attached. but i am. and how will i handle it? it's a new thought to me. and then i feel like a crap therapist that i've let myself get attached, and even worse that i've let them attach to me. they don't need me, but i think some of them feel like it now, after meeting so regularly. and i don't get to end on their terms, it's mine. my time is up (or will be in two months) and therefore they are forced to move on. odd. makes me uncomfortable. and i cringe. if there's any way to continue with this extra special wee fighter, i would.  is there any way? i wrack my brain tonight as i think of what i didn't say and what i will do with our last two months together. i wish that i could get hired on and continue, even if in a different capacity, just to carry on with these dear ones. oh, i'm crazy. and oh, yes, i love this work and i hate change and separation. and hate having to trust that this time is not meant to mend it all. because i want to see them all healed and whole. it's impossible but a hope that is in line with who i am, my desires and my deep deep hopes. i have to hold them up with open hands even as i meet with them, but especially as i send them on their ways.


"the biggest tragedy for me is when something beautiful wants to grow and something else stops it." --mary pipher, letters to a young therapist

it's something

here are some "somethings" i'm trying to hold onto (my supervisor at my internship just affirmed me for holding onto positives as i can, and i am glad that i am, in the flow of trying to become less negative):

--there's still much conversing to happen around the office before they make a final decision. yesterday's conversation left me a bit frustrated... but there's still some hope. i get to wait!

--this is my hair after a full day of wearing it, napping on it, being outside, inside, etc...

the photo's something even if the hair's not so great looking right now. i got a haircut (needed one badly) and it's a belated and not-so-well-lit display of the hair dye (that i probably should update in a few weeks already).

--i meant to get LOTS of writing done this weekend/week. and well, i started and completed one paper (a 4 pager) instead of the intended research project. it's something! another check on my long list.  ...hmm, i also managed to clean and organize and get the recycling/garbage out and write some emails and have some great phone conversations and spend a couple wonderful times with friends face to face and via gchat and purchase a camera... funny how that works. and my avoidance presently continues...

cross your fingers, pray, whatever you might do...

t minus 5 minutes until i go into a meeting that may result in at minimum a little more info and at maximum a job offer (that would be a miraculous maximum!). but i am going to have a conversation about the murmurings around this joint about the potential for me to find a job here in the near future. i've had high hopes all weekend since being told a position will be opening and several people are dropping my name. and then yesterday had even bigger reason to hope...somewhat quickly followed by a small dashing of my hopeful spirits. so the conversation about to happen could be good, okay or bad (or not that clear-cut as i teach my clients we can feel all sorta of conflicting emotions at once... confusion is normal--and i admit i confusedly hate and love confusion all at once, too!). so we'll see. how grand would it be NOT to have to job hunt and compete against my friends in a couple months?!

my mantra today has been, "it will all be as it should."

t minus 1 minute!