When The Saints
by Sara Groves
lord i have a heavy burden of all i've seen and know
it's more than i can handle
but your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and i can’t let it go
and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
and when the Saints go marching in
i want to be one of them
lord it's all that i can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but when i think of all who've gone before and lived a faithful life
their courage compels me
and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
i see the shepherd moses in the pharaohs court
i hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
chorus x2
i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
i see the young missionary and the angry spear
i see his family returning with no trace of fear
i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights
i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side
i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door
i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
chorus
I Saw What I Saw
by Sara Groves
i saw what i saw and i can't forget it
i heard what i heard and i can't go back
i know what i know and i can't deny it
something on the road, cut me to the soul
your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what i'm afraid of
and what i know of love
we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution
something on the road, cut me to the soul
chorus
i say what i say with no hesitation
i have what i have but i'm giving it up
i do what i do with deep conviction
something on the road, cut me to the soul
chorus 2x
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
your courage asks me what i am made of
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
and what i know of love
and what i know of god
this week has been interesting. just a bit emotional for several unmentionable reasons, but good overall. i started what was an unexpected new internship since my original one succumbed to the bad economy and i'd been scrambling to replace it for three week. and school and the time and focus it requires has finally caught up with me. the beginning month of each semester has consistently been misleading, and when things finally start happening i'm never quite ready. i should not be surprised by the "bottom-heavy" nature of my program since this is my third semester, but nonetheless i am, currently. and currently, in this chair in my home, in a bit of denial that i have two papers to write, hours of reading to do, and a project to make major headway on...
i pasted the lyrics of two sara groves songs above because in the midst of my emotional state, revolving around internship, school, relationships--all of which are linked to my future and the life i dream of having--i have been needing reminders (yet again) of why i am where i am, doing what i am. last spring i went to a prayer conference for International Justice Mission, a long full and intense weekend of hearing stories and spending hours of prayer for the work of an organization i have highly respected for years. sara was there to lead some worship and share songs with us, songs that she'd written around the issues of bonded slavery and forced prostitution in her involvement with IJM. these songs cut to my heart that weekend, but not until last month did i actually find and purchase them. and i haven't really listened to them again until this week.
somehow as i've been listening on my drives to/from school or just in general around this crazy city, a couple times i have been singing along in ways that feel like intense prayer and/or talking to myself about the WHY behind all of this upheaval and financial strain and time that sometimes feels unjustified and unsatisfactory. "when the saints" i have decided needs to be my theme song until i graduate and am officially a licensed graduate social worker (and perhaps beyond as i continue to get educated and trained as a therapist). and the song "i saw what i saw," which i believe sara wrote after her time in africa, had me in tears. tumultuous and refreshing all at once. this forgetful head needs to recall the faces and the pain of the people i am called to love and serve... the impetus for the dream, the dream fueling the current education. the tears feel impatient but also hopeful.
grad school, i guess, can feel dry and empty some days. but always draining. and i'm not always happy with the way classes are taught or often the lack of depth that the design of the class or the lack of time brings us. i have become a firm believer that the interning experience is far more practically important to my education than the classroom (although i'm not arguing the classroom needs to be done away with, it's very necessary, too). but when i feel like my time sitting (which is much of my time these days) feels less than what i hope, it's hard to be motivated to really invest in it. i shared the sara groves songs with a friend this weekend, telling him of my intense emotion around them and the need for reminding they have been fulfilling this week, and he reminded me yesterday, so appropriately, as i was dragging my feet from putting in more hours of homework, that it's for the women, for the children, for the broken and oppressed that i need to buckle down and learn.... so i have more to give. so i can be the faithful servant i'm called to be with what i have been given.
