the heartbreak of life.

sometimes intense heartbreaking emotions fly at me and run me through the ringer completely out of the blue. it always leaves me breathless and dizzy. i had one of those mind boggling afternoons on sunday. i can't, so i won't, attempt to explain it. but i was talking on the phone with a dear friend, and suddenly i was weeping. and i mean weeping. and i felt almost panicky at the immense nature of the flood, worrying that beneath it all something damlike broke inside of me and would never be fixed. and i muttered loudly through my tears, "what's wrong with me?!" and then i found myself half-laughing because my friend said she was wondering the exact same thing, but perhaps with a different spin on it. it may have been the kind words she was saying to me of the sweet meeting we had unexpectedly 8 years ago. or it may have been my ever-increasing awareness that i will soon be 29, and i have so many desires left unmet...we spoke of the balance between contentment and desire which i find impossible to master (perhaps that's for a later post).

i've been trying to be more honest with myself lately. and in discovering the truth beneath what seeming beliefs i have built up, declaring them as my own, i discover that really i have a pretty shakey foundation afoot. and then i try to tell the God of the Universe about it. and the very act can feel false as i declare i don't have faith. i don't believe you! (do i dare to yell it?) but i know that healing comes by being honest and not just with myself either, in secret. that's only where it has to start. my friend has been helping me to see that unbelief is the core of all sin. unbelief? sin? these are words i'm not so used to using as i've been in some communities that avoid these taboo words out of a reaction to a pained past with the church. (no judgment here, just statement.) so hearing them again and even using them makes me a bit squirmish, but i think it's right. it's time. and i am daring to say them to my current community. asking for honest discussion about sin to happen between us. let me not be so reactionary and so determined to fight for social justice that i let the rest of who i've been called to be fall asleep, grow lazy, be kicked to the curb and ignored. i can only truly do what i am passionate about when i am truly being who i am made to be.

i prayed this morning, "i want to be a woman of deep faith whose actions and words flow from that solid foundation." i want to change the world through the yuck of me lessened that goodness of God as more... and more.

"i believe! oh Lord help my unbelief!"

do any of you struggle with unbelief? how do you dig down to the the bare-boned truth? then what do you do with it all?

random divulgence

i can't *cough* stop coughing long enough *cough* to use my Crest Whitening Strips.

my knees make me feel older than a month and a half to 29.

my breakouts make me feel younger than a month and a half to 29, much younger.

i fear the first "real" session of therapy in which i am the therapist. i wonder if it was more than coincidence that i stayed home sick yesterday, dodging potentially three of those very things.

i am continually on a road for self-realization/self-understanding/self-definition, in order to change either my self-perception or my behaviors, but i feel like most attempts to know myself are thwarted by my undefinable, inboxable nature. yet, i pursue nonetheless.

i don't believe a lot of important things about God, at least where they apply to me. this is my most recent realization that i'm left to struggle with and wait through. and hopefully not forget this time.

i forget things all the time. i am highly distractable and am not as good at multi-tasking as i claim.

even though i don't like starting over somewhere new, i am constantly contemplating doing so.

i eat way too many beans and eggs, and sometimes together.

i know pizza makes my stomach hurt but i eat it anyways.

i secretly love our cat, frank, but openly hate our other cat, ella.

my sides hurt from laying around for two days. my throat and chest are starting to hurt from *cough* coughing non-stop. my legs hurt when i sleep with one on top of the other, knee against knee, calf against calf, bone on bone. it's disturbing to me.

i think i have restless leg syndrome.

due to the tip of a friend, i worry if i have ovarian cancer. the silent killer.

my computer has a mind of its own and turned off and on throughout the night, getting me out of bed at 4:30 to force it to shut up.

the idea of moving back to nepal scares the shit out of me.

i hate missing days, weeks and months of my nephews' lives. when i think about it or get new photos in my inbox, it makes me almost ill.

what does it mean to "hear the lovingkindness of the Lord in the morning"??