if you've been around me the last few years, you've heard me often sigh deeply and say, "aiya bahhh..." i think it's become my mantra, a modified version of something nepali, to mean "oh, life..." it's not necessarily negative or exasperated, but it's definitely an awareness that life can sometimes evoke feelings beyond words, or at least in the moment that life overcomes me. it happens anywhere, at work, at home, out with friends... it happens when my brain leaves one moment and moves to the next. when i have lots to do, or many things to ponder, or feel like i'm juggling twenty-seven balls at once. it happens when i'm happy, too, with all that i have been given. and the sighing and "aiya bah"s are somehow helpful. a release.
today i'm avoiding the office. i have the freedom to do that. being there, getting work done, in the room i share with two co-workers can sometimes make my job, which is already highly stressful, more so. it can sometimes help, though, too, because my co-workers give me lots of much-needed advice and lately, too, pep talks. but staying at home when i have three appointments back to back this afternoon feels like a good self-care thing. i'm thinking of what's to come in this day, longing for the week to end, honestly, and hoping all goes well. it's been a couple weeks of lots of hard work with my adolescents and their families. lots of heart-breaking stuff that has challenged me in ways i couldn't have prepared much more for. i'm a therapist but have felt a lot like a child protection worker or a case manager these days. having really hard conversations with parents, helping kids find safe shelter, and making call after call for fifty seven things that need to be figured out. the therapist in me both loves and hates that i get to be so holistically involved in my clients' lives. it's great to have such freedom to advocate for them and step in when crises happen. but it would definitely be much easier to have a clear boundary, keeping me from wearing several hats. stress has been pumping through my body, keeping me moving quickly and thinking fast (or not thinking well at all). and i think the crises of the week are mostly tied up but the solutions are temporary and the future holds more work to be done. these teens deserve it, and i'm glad that i get to walk with them through the shit of life, but some days i wouldn't mind hiding. it's sobering that i technically could hide, while they can't. i've got lots to be grateful for.
i scrubbed our tub this morning. it's been needing it. and i did it for my roommate who takes regular baths. and to accomplish something physical, to see results. sometimes i need that. my hands hurt, and i like it.
now to the work i get paid to do.
