this morning

i responded to a blog i read religiously this morning as i found this and especially this post to bring me to tears. the wide net of change and growth, and taking that shaky step into the next phase of life, has captured me. and it's nice to feel some comraderie with someone else who is at a very different, yet similar, place. so i thought i'd just share what i wrote to her... 


christina,
your posts made me cry this morning. i was a few days behind. and while i’m not a mommy watching her boys growing up and launching a beautiful project with the backing of many who believe in her, i am someone who is in the midst of new beginnings. it’s that scary-excited feeling that sometimes can feel lonely and sometimes can feel joyous and full. i’m finishing up grad school, avoiding my last paper just to prolong what’s become comfortable. and i’m starting a new fulltime job in one week, a new position at a place i’ve been a while, but somehow it’s scary nonetheless. and i’m taking that next step beyond this one passing closer to the many dreams i have. dreams that don’t necessarily bring lots of people near to join me on the journey.
as always, thanks for sharing and uniting us in universal happenings and struggles and quotidian delights.
liz

Sold into sex work | Asia | Pakistan | Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk | And Me in Minnesota...

i've been doing a lot of reading and writing on this topic of sex slavery, as usual i suppose, as i've been able to study its prevalence in different ways all around the world. i've been focused to the minnesota issue due to my location and my interest in the twin cities as i see myself staying here for a while yet. much like this article on the reality of sexual slavery among pakistani poor:
IRIN Asia PAKISTAN: Sold into sex work Asia Pakistan Children Economy Gender Issues Human Rights Urban Risk Feature , girls on average are trafficked sexually between the ages of 12 and 14 in minnesota. people like to think the issue is just "over there" but it's here. and where you are, too, i'm pretty sure i can guarentee to any reader. i hope to continue to be involved with what is happening here to eradicate the influences that keep the market for sex thriving, while i also long to return to asia and do the work there. it's by reading articles like the one linked here along with commiting to work here among impoverished and oppressed adolescents and families that keep me focused on my goals and purpose.

random pre-reading-in-bed thoughts

i'm afraid this computer is already on its way out. it does so many little fluke-y things that i wouldn't even know how to address if i were to take it to see the Geek Squad people or anyone else. it's just not right. and i dread the day it dies on me.

i found out more info about my job to be but have no yet officially signed papers or talked to the "HR lady," audrey. the woman who is moving from the position i'm set up to fill is a bit angsty about it all. she suggested to me today that it wasn't necessarily her choice to move on to outpatient work with clients, that it was sort of decided for her when she got her LMFT licensure. and telling me that left me feeling a bit awkward since i knew she and the other two staff in the in-home department did not necessarily see eye-to-eye and she wonders if perhaps that's why they moved her on. anyways, i just stared at a hole in her the wall of her new office as she shared this all with me and told her that "i'll see if i like it," and "umm... err... sorry! gotta run!" anyways, all of that drama aside, i am looking forward to making the plunge into in home therapy work.  and i had a meeting with my new "boss" this week to discuss working with one of my outpatient clients a bit longer, and she is convinced its a good idea on a temporary basis--in the best interest of this client ("the wee one" mentioned in a previous post, actually). that excites me and i look forward to talking with her about it on monday.

i bought a pair of lucky jeans from target yesterday. (honestly never tried a pair on in my life nor been strangely obsessed with that brand like so many others i know.) weird, i know, since they don't carry that label. but somehow they had been returned to a target successfully and were very marked down in order for them to get rid of them. the dressing room lady said something about a "scandal!" ha! so, i felt a bit odd about the purchase but liked the way they fit (and the price!) enough to buy them nonetheless. random. but not as random as my story of driving a drunk/high lady around north minneapolis just before 10 pm a couple weeks back...

and i made spring rolls tonight.  a bit messy and not as tasty as they could have been with shrimp, but i wasn't feeling good about splurging on that, so alas! no shrimp. the mint helped of course.  i love that bangkok peanut sauce, so i bought some of that to eat with the veggie spring rolls. and made extras for tomorrow's lunch. ymmm... spring rolls, pinot grigio and dark chocolate. tasty late dinner.

and now off to more reading about recovery work for trauma survivors. some light reading to usher in much-needed sleep.

i leave you with this shot of sweet little man tate concentrating on some toy of his big brothers'. i love the lighting...and the subject, of course!

spring's sound and breeze fill my senses

i have no reason to wonder any more if it will be difficult to finish this grad school thing strong. it most definitely will. it's already over 60 degrees here in minneapolis and climbing. i have my opened my back upstairs window and my back door to let the sounds and warmth in, and the heat is officially turned off (i know, i know, we've had it on still since our house seems to stay way too cold and there's a pregnant lady living here...). 


i have a month and a half of school left. and then, well, i ever so thankfully get to immediately begin a job! a full-time job as a family therapist! it's wild and is still sinking in, since i've only known for sure of this news since monday afternoon. but i'm so so so thankful for the job, and not just a job, but a job i really want, one that will teach me lots that i am eager to learn and one that i hear has decent pay and one that will get me the clinical hours i need over the next two years to get my clinical license. and i'm staying put, it means. and i can quit my group home job (wrote the official resignation email just this morning. ah relief!)! and i think it means much more... but i won't know the details until next week when the HR lady contacts me.  oh yeah, i guess i should clarify that it's a job at the place i'm interning currently.  so i'll be continuing on with the two families i'm working with as an intern and i'll be ending my work with my 6 outpatient clients. that ending part is going to suck. i really like these young men and women... i'll be moving to a desk across the hall and working with two really great women whom have already taught me so much in the family therapy realm of things and how to creatively do what our funding folks ask of us. it's going to be challenging (and i'm thankful for that, too). and i'll be working in people's homes. i know that is the type of therapy many people despise, but i happen to be a fan, at least so far. it feels normal to be hanging out with people in their homes, as a guest, thanks to my years in nepal doing lots of that. but it definitely brings a different dynamic when i'm coming in to help these incredibly struggling teens/young adults and their families as a therapist.  let the journey commence! [actually i feel torn: i both wish i was starting my job today (instead of waiting until may 17th) and i wish i had a few weeks break from school before starting, but i'll happily take what i've been given.]


so yay, celebrate with me! it really is amazing in this market to be able to so quickly find work. and i'm so glad to NOT have to hunt with the rest of those who will ever-so-quickly be competing for the few clinical positions out there. 


all of you in colorado and indiana and elsewhere, you can come visit me, i suppose i'm not moving back any time too soon.


(ps. i love lent. and i love holy week. i'm thankful for this week, and for what it means. perhaps i'll post on that in a couple days before it's all said and done.)

"The earth is crammed with heaven." -elizabeth barrett browning

processing the session with the wee one today. it's sort of haunting me. i sort of feel like i did a crap job. made her worry about the day that we have to end our working relationship. and i'm worried about it, too. i almost cried with her at the thought of her and i not seeing each other, and her not having a replacement since she declares she won't want one. and i almost cried at the thought of her potentially not trying anymore with me because, "what's the point? to say it all just to have to tell someone else it all again?" i almost agree with her.  i feel like i lost it, i didn't pay attention to the earlier tears she was crying. why was she crying those tears? was she crying about how i was talking like other therapists, saying it's the drugs when she wanted me to say "it's you," as she linked it to the excuse of the drugs her mom uses and gets for her own issues.  "it's my mom." "it's me. it's not the drugs. it's me!" and i rattled  off all the things it is, drugs being part of what she is allowing into her life, the decisions she's making, her stage of development and her traumatized brain. and yes, it's her. and more. but did i leave her feeling helpless and hopeless. was i overly-negative? and did i not build her back up as she needed before saying goodbye sweetly to lois and meeting her mom in the car? she left with the quickly shut up tears, a desire to smoke a bowl, and a plan to get a kickass journal to mimic "cruel intentions" for her renewed love to writing her constantly confused thoughts and show them to proudly week-to-week. i'm sorta anxious about the two and a half week separation (a "grip," as the wee one taught me: a long long time), since i'm missing our next two appointments to go on vaca.  i'm sort of nervous, too, about if she'll give up on me, as someone she can trust, and not come back, or at least shut down, aware that the separation is inevitable. and nervous, too, about the things i didn't say and could have even though our session was extra-long again. [so odd, but i'm not usually plagued by such anxiety about what i could have/should have said.] and i'm wishing i didn't have to leave her now, almost as a practice for what's to come. and this is all surprising to me. i really didn't think i'd get that attached. but i am. and how will i handle it? it's a new thought to me. and then i feel like a crap therapist that i've let myself get attached, and even worse that i've let them attach to me. they don't need me, but i think some of them feel like it now, after meeting so regularly. and i don't get to end on their terms, it's mine. my time is up (or will be in two months) and therefore they are forced to move on. odd. makes me uncomfortable. and i cringe. if there's any way to continue with this extra special wee fighter, i would.  is there any way? i wrack my brain tonight as i think of what i didn't say and what i will do with our last two months together. i wish that i could get hired on and continue, even if in a different capacity, just to carry on with these dear ones. oh, i'm crazy. and oh, yes, i love this work and i hate change and separation. and hate having to trust that this time is not meant to mend it all. because i want to see them all healed and whole. it's impossible but a hope that is in line with who i am, my desires and my deep deep hopes. i have to hold them up with open hands even as i meet with them, but especially as i send them on their ways.


"the biggest tragedy for me is when something beautiful wants to grow and something else stops it." --mary pipher, letters to a young therapist

it's something

here are some "somethings" i'm trying to hold onto (my supervisor at my internship just affirmed me for holding onto positives as i can, and i am glad that i am, in the flow of trying to become less negative):

--there's still much conversing to happen around the office before they make a final decision. yesterday's conversation left me a bit frustrated... but there's still some hope. i get to wait!

--this is my hair after a full day of wearing it, napping on it, being outside, inside, etc...

the photo's something even if the hair's not so great looking right now. i got a haircut (needed one badly) and it's a belated and not-so-well-lit display of the hair dye (that i probably should update in a few weeks already).

--i meant to get LOTS of writing done this weekend/week. and well, i started and completed one paper (a 4 pager) instead of the intended research project. it's something! another check on my long list.  ...hmm, i also managed to clean and organize and get the recycling/garbage out and write some emails and have some great phone conversations and spend a couple wonderful times with friends face to face and via gchat and purchase a camera... funny how that works. and my avoidance presently continues...

cross your fingers, pray, whatever you might do...

t minus 5 minutes until i go into a meeting that may result in at minimum a little more info and at maximum a job offer (that would be a miraculous maximum!). but i am going to have a conversation about the murmurings around this joint about the potential for me to find a job here in the near future. i've had high hopes all weekend since being told a position will be opening and several people are dropping my name. and then yesterday had even bigger reason to hope...somewhat quickly followed by a small dashing of my hopeful spirits. so the conversation about to happen could be good, okay or bad (or not that clear-cut as i teach my clients we can feel all sorta of conflicting emotions at once... confusion is normal--and i admit i confusedly hate and love confusion all at once, too!). so we'll see. how grand would it be NOT to have to job hunt and compete against my friends in a couple months?!

my mantra today has been, "it will all be as it should."

t minus 1 minute!