the heartbreak of life.

sometimes intense heartbreaking emotions fly at me and run me through the ringer completely out of the blue. it always leaves me breathless and dizzy. i had one of those mind boggling afternoons on sunday. i can't, so i won't, attempt to explain it. but i was talking on the phone with a dear friend, and suddenly i was weeping. and i mean weeping. and i felt almost panicky at the immense nature of the flood, worrying that beneath it all something damlike broke inside of me and would never be fixed. and i muttered loudly through my tears, "what's wrong with me?!" and then i found myself half-laughing because my friend said she was wondering the exact same thing, but perhaps with a different spin on it. it may have been the kind words she was saying to me of the sweet meeting we had unexpectedly 8 years ago. or it may have been my ever-increasing awareness that i will soon be 29, and i have so many desires left unmet...we spoke of the balance between contentment and desire which i find impossible to master (perhaps that's for a later post).

i've been trying to be more honest with myself lately. and in discovering the truth beneath what seeming beliefs i have built up, declaring them as my own, i discover that really i have a pretty shakey foundation afoot. and then i try to tell the God of the Universe about it. and the very act can feel false as i declare i don't have faith. i don't believe you! (do i dare to yell it?) but i know that healing comes by being honest and not just with myself either, in secret. that's only where it has to start. my friend has been helping me to see that unbelief is the core of all sin. unbelief? sin? these are words i'm not so used to using as i've been in some communities that avoid these taboo words out of a reaction to a pained past with the church. (no judgment here, just statement.) so hearing them again and even using them makes me a bit squirmish, but i think it's right. it's time. and i am daring to say them to my current community. asking for honest discussion about sin to happen between us. let me not be so reactionary and so determined to fight for social justice that i let the rest of who i've been called to be fall asleep, grow lazy, be kicked to the curb and ignored. i can only truly do what i am passionate about when i am truly being who i am made to be.

i prayed this morning, "i want to be a woman of deep faith whose actions and words flow from that solid foundation." i want to change the world through the yuck of me lessened that goodness of God as more... and more.

"i believe! oh Lord help my unbelief!"

do any of you struggle with unbelief? how do you dig down to the the bare-boned truth? then what do you do with it all?

random divulgence

i can't *cough* stop coughing long enough *cough* to use my Crest Whitening Strips.

my knees make me feel older than a month and a half to 29.

my breakouts make me feel younger than a month and a half to 29, much younger.

i fear the first "real" session of therapy in which i am the therapist. i wonder if it was more than coincidence that i stayed home sick yesterday, dodging potentially three of those very things.

i am continually on a road for self-realization/self-understanding/self-definition, in order to change either my self-perception or my behaviors, but i feel like most attempts to know myself are thwarted by my undefinable, inboxable nature. yet, i pursue nonetheless.

i don't believe a lot of important things about God, at least where they apply to me. this is my most recent realization that i'm left to struggle with and wait through. and hopefully not forget this time.

i forget things all the time. i am highly distractable and am not as good at multi-tasking as i claim.

even though i don't like starting over somewhere new, i am constantly contemplating doing so.

i eat way too many beans and eggs, and sometimes together.

i know pizza makes my stomach hurt but i eat it anyways.

i secretly love our cat, frank, but openly hate our other cat, ella.

my sides hurt from laying around for two days. my throat and chest are starting to hurt from *cough* coughing non-stop. my legs hurt when i sleep with one on top of the other, knee against knee, calf against calf, bone on bone. it's disturbing to me.

i think i have restless leg syndrome.

due to the tip of a friend, i worry if i have ovarian cancer. the silent killer.

my computer has a mind of its own and turned off and on throughout the night, getting me out of bed at 4:30 to force it to shut up.

the idea of moving back to nepal scares the shit out of me.

i hate missing days, weeks and months of my nephews' lives. when i think about it or get new photos in my inbox, it makes me almost ill.

what does it mean to "hear the lovingkindness of the Lord in the morning"??

sara groves and motivation

When The Saints

by Sara Groves

lord i have a heavy burden of all i've seen and know
it's more than i can handle
but your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and i can’t let it go

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

and when the Saints go marching in
i want to be one of them

lord it's all that i can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but when i think of all who've gone before and lived a faithful life
their courage compels me

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

i think of paul and silas in the prison yard
i hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
i see the shepherd moses in the pharaohs court
i hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

chorus x2

i see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
i see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
i see the young missionary and the angry spear
i see his family returning with no trace of fear
i see the long hard shadows of calcutta nights
i see the sister standing by the dying man’s side
i see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
i see the man with a passion come kicking down that door

i see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
i see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

chorus

I Saw What I Saw

by Sara Groves

i saw what i saw and i can't forget it
i heard what i heard and i can't go back
i know what i know and i can't deny it

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what i'm afraid of
and what i know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

something on the road, cut me to the soul

chorus

i say what i say with no hesitation
i have what i have but i'm giving it up
i do what i do with deep conviction

something on the road, cut me to the soul

chorus 2x

your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
your courage asks me what i am made of
your courage asks me what i’m afraid of
and what i know of love
and what i know of god

this week has been interesting. just a bit emotional for several unmentionable reasons, but good overall. i started what was an unexpected new internship since my original one succumbed to the bad economy and i'd been scrambling to replace it for three week. and school and the time and focus it requires has finally caught up with me. the beginning month of each semester has consistently been misleading, and when things finally start happening i'm never quite ready. i should not be surprised by the "bottom-heavy" nature of my program since this is my third semester, but nonetheless i am, currently. and currently, in this chair in my home, in a bit of denial that i have two papers to write, hours of reading to do, and a project to make major headway on...

i pasted the lyrics of two sara groves songs above because in the midst of my emotional state, revolving around internship, school, relationships--all of which are linked to my future and the life i dream of having--i have been needing reminders (yet again) of why i am where i am, doing what i am. last spring i went to a prayer conference for International Justice Mission, a long full and intense weekend of hearing stories and spending hours of prayer for the work of an organization i have highly respected for years. sara was there to lead some worship and share songs with us, songs that she'd written around the issues of bonded slavery and forced prostitution in her involvement with IJM. these songs cut to my heart that weekend, but not until last month did i actually find and purchase them. and i haven't really listened to them again until this week.

somehow as i've been listening on my drives to/from school or just in general around this crazy city, a couple times i have been singing along in ways that feel like intense prayer and/or talking to myself about the WHY behind all of this upheaval and financial strain and time that sometimes feels unjustified and unsatisfactory. "when the saints" i have decided needs to be my theme song until i graduate and am officially a licensed graduate social worker (and perhaps beyond as i continue to get educated and trained as a therapist). and the song "i saw what i saw," which i believe sara wrote after her time in africa, had me in tears. tumultuous and refreshing all at once. this forgetful head needs to recall the faces and the pain of the people i am called to love and serve... the impetus for the dream, the dream fueling the current education. the tears feel impatient but also hopeful.

grad school, i guess, can feel dry and empty some days. but always draining. and i'm not always happy with the way classes are taught or often the lack of depth that the design of the class or the lack of time brings us. i have become a firm believer that the interning experience is far more practically important to my education than the classroom (although i'm not arguing the classroom needs to be done away with, it's very necessary, too). but when i feel like my time sitting (which is much of my time these days) feels less than what i hope, it's hard to be motivated to really invest in it. i shared the sara groves songs with a friend this weekend, telling him of my intense emotion around them and the need for reminding they have been fulfilling this week, and he reminded me yesterday, so appropriately, as i was dragging my feet from putting in more hours of homework, that it's for the women, for the children, for the broken and oppressed that i need to buckle down and learn.... so i have more to give. so i can be the faithful servant i'm called to be with what i have been given.

strength

someone told me tonight that i am a courageous person. it's nice to hear. and i think i agree. as i get closer to my 30th birthday (not this coming birthday but the next), and i continue to pursue my dreams, i feel more and more sure of who i am. however, these days i've had some questions and wonderings about that said identity. lately, i have been nostalgic and with that having to shoo off regret and "wish had been"s. but with changes, new beginnings and adjustments, comes naturally (for me, at least) thinking of what was and who i used to be at different periods of life. i found some old letters and emails the other week at my parents' place. reminders of friendships that i thought would never change and of who i was in those times... and i have embarked on reconnecting with a few of these important "golden eggs". i think i need people in my life that have known me longer and can remind me of who i am in ways that people who more recently have meet and known me can't. and with the commencement of the schoolyear i've also tried to begin to reconnect with school buds who i have not talked to much this summer. it's a place of awkwardness and discomfort in self-awareness, all this change. tonight's encouraging words were happily drunk in.

fall

i'm having a hard time enjoying the coming of fall. this is very unusual for me as autumn is generally my favorite season. i love the crisp air, the added layers of clothes, the changing leaves, the crunch beneath my feet. not to mention the yummy oh-so-fall smells and things to eat: apple cider, apple pie, carmel covered apples...

fall hasn't officially arrived yet in the sense of changing colors, even though i did see onebrilliant and shocking orange and green tree off to the right of a exit ramp just this weekend--and my heart stirred at the sight!--but with the coming of the schoolyear's commencement, it's official enough for me. and because of the papers, readings, intense hands on learnings ahead, my heart is a flurry of STRESS in response to fall's arrival. and that more negative and nighttime tossing response to my favorite season is not too welcomed by me.

so today, at target, while buying several things for my lovely home and for the brown bag lunches and hours at a desk (that i've yet to take into my possession) i saw the $1 bins. and my eyes quickly picked up on some fall-ish goodies. i couldn't resist! in order to make fall more lovely than its arrival currently feels to me, i purchased a tiny leaf-shaped hole punch and a fall colored leaves be-decked post-it notepad. last year for my fall semester of classes i had one of those handy-dandy three-ring binders with the plastic overlay and within it i collected leaves of reds and purples that fell from the trees near my thursday morning class. it was a way to celebrate fall and enliven my time with that notebook. so this year i'll use the post-its and punch the pages full of leaf-shaped holes!

(despite it all), yay for FALL! can i get an AMEN?

birthday party

i have not usually been one who wants to spend lots of time, effort, money, etc. on throwing big parties. it's not that i don't like to give things to people, i do, i really do, i just have found parties generally taxing. i tend to be an early leaver. and so the thought of planning, prepping, throwing and being the one to get the whole shindig to happen, has never sounded that appealing. UNTIL... there is a special person to do it for! and now, i get it. i get so much about doing things for people, spending effort, time and even money to remind them how important they are. so my special someone had a birthday yesterday, and i for weeks now i have been doing all the planning. and LOVING the "burden" that it was. not a burden at all, but definitely a big ordeal as we had more than 18 people coming. and not just for cake and ice cream either. for dinner and dessert, kirk and sarah style. they, my sis and her hubby, if you know tend to go all out with food and celebrations. when i think of people putting forth more energy than i would, i am mostly thinking of them. but i followed in their (large) footsteps and threw a party that i believe would have been up to their standards if they could have been there. :) the chicken/potato curry was a wild success with an onslaught of praise flying at me and stacy (the sweetest friend who helped with the party and who i mustn't dare to forget to mention!) throughout its consumption. and then when the torte came out for the singing of the happy birthday song, a wish and its delighted eating, i was so pleased (and a bit puffed up, i admit) to hear how shocked many were that it was not a storebought cake afterall, but made by yours truly. [said torte actually fought hard against being produced, but some electrical tape and a few calls to kirk and sarah later, it "let" me make it.]

the gathering of so many friends thankfully gave kurt the best birthday he can recall (and least so he tells me.) and it was a joy, absolutely, to help him have it!

one of those mornings

...when i would rather not get up.

...when i grab my laptop to entertain me in bed a few minutes/hours longer.

...when i actually have somewhere to go, some long neglected friends to meet up with, but i seriously consider cancelling.

...when showering feels too taxing.

...when old coffee warmed suffices.

...when the drama that is me shouldn't truly be shared because i would encounter real or invisible eye rolls and advice i don't want.

the end in the beginning

i recently told a friend that "i tend to be melancholy," and it's quite true. it's one of those things about myself that i am learning to embrace. i also tend towards meandering. literally around the globe and internally, as i think (often over-think) and feel all over the map during any given day. sometimes i am so internal, so contemplative, that i forget how to interact with other humans. it can take hours, days even, for me to come out of a too-long-bout of reflection. my global travels are a big piece of my thoughts (above photo from most recent trip: to casablanca, morocco), giving me many realities to wrestle with and making me long for returns to beloved lands and their peoples. i suppose, if you're reading this, you already know this and much more about me. i've decided to start a new fresh blog. welcome to it! the old xanga was started long ago to keep friends and family abreast of my nepali adventures, and, while that chapter is not closed by any means, i feel so totally in another place now, that a new beginning to writing and reflecting "out loud" for you all, on my attempts to embrace the moments and cling to bits of hope that can often feel so elusive, feels appropriate.

it's a summer of relaxation and a race against boredom. as a grad student with one year of schooling remaining and a summer free from classrooms and assignments, it may be my last few months of hours upon hours of nothing to do but what i iwill and wish. however, i've never done well with too much time and too little structure. i thrive under lots to do in little time, with a handful of purposes to fulfill at once. and now it's easy to feel purpose-less, and therefore quite frustrated. but i am trying to spend the days with intention, not with mere "timepass" as they say in nepal. and i believe writing in the way i love, the more poetic mind-followed way, rather than the edited and technical form my education asks of me, could be a beautiful to truly LIVE this summer. and may you and those who stumble here find some enjoyment, and (dare i hope?) encouragement or comraderie, in the words i place.

thanks for beginning anew with me. it feels good, doesn't it?

a poem by mary oliver

To Begin With, the Sweet Grass
1.
Will the hungry ox stand in the field and not eat of the sweet grass?Will the owl bite off its own wings?Will the lark forget to lift its body in the air or forget to sing?Will the rivers run upstream?
Behold, I say–beholdthe reliability and the finery and the teachings of this gritty earth gift.

2.
Eat bread and understand comfort.Drink water, and understand delight.Visit the garden where the scarlet trumpets are opening their bodies for the hummingbirdswho are drinking the sweetness, who are thrillingly gluttonous.
For one thing leads to another.Soon you will notice how stones shine underfoot.Eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in.
And someone’s face, whom you love, will be as a starboth intimate and ultimate,and you will be both heart-shaken and respectful.And you will hear the air itself, like a beloved, whisper:oh, let me, for a while longer, enter the twobeautiful bodies of your lungs.

3.
The witchery of livingis my whole conversationwith you my darlings.All I can tell you is what I know.
Look, and look again.This world is not just a little thrill for the eyes.
It’s more than bones.It’s more than the delicate wrist with its personal pulse.It’s more than the beating of the single heart.It’s praising.It’s giving until the giving feels like receiving.You have a life—just imagine that!You have this day, and maybe another, and maybe still another.

4.
Someday I am going to ask my friend Paulus,the dancer, the potter,to make me a begging bowlwhich I believemy soul needs.
And if I come to you,to the door of your comfortable housewith unwashed clothes and unclean fingernails,will you put something into it?
I would like to take this chance.I would like to give you this chance.

5.
We do one thing or another; we stay the same or we change.Congratulations if you have changed.

6.
Let me ask you this.Do you also think that beauty exists for some fabulous reason?
And if you have not been enchanted by this adventure—your life—what would do for you?

7.
What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself.Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to.That was many years ago.Since then I have gone out from my confinements, though with difficulty
I mean the ones that are thought to rule my heart.I cast them out, I put them on the ush pile.They will be nourishment somehow (everything is nourishment somehow or another).
And I have become the child of the clouds, and of hope.I have become the friend of the enemy, whoever that is.I have become older and, cherishing what I have learned,I have become younger.
And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know?Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.

~ Mary Oliver, from Evidence